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Listen, you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their online shopping carts—their hopes and dreams, their deep-rooted family issues, how they feel about gingham. All the good shit, really. And because no one has tried to stop me, I’m going to tell you what each zodiac sign has hiding in their online shopping cart, because I’m qualified and I want to. I was born to tell you this information. And just so you know, we’re actually digging deeper than just an online shopping cart, here. We’re looking at people’s deep, inner stirrings, the things we want say so much about who we are, and the gap between reality and dreamzzzzz.

Okay, okay, moving on. I am a lady of many talents and interests, but my least charming is absolutely my allegiance to curating an online shopping cart and then moving on with my life without buying ANYTHING. I am every company’s nightmare, and their fear and disapproval fuels me like none other. I can run on this disappointment for at least one hundred years.

It’s sort of like magic or a prayer. Mantra. Whatever you can buy at Juice Crafters for $14.99. You click the button, wheee, and then it’s in a cart and you can look at the item and scroll through an imaginary life so much bougier than your own. You can pretend, if only for a fleeting moment, that you are actually going to buy a big gold fucking lamp and it will make you a better daughter.

What is it about that intense dopamine hit we experience when we click “add to cart”? It’s not a lasting feeling, and we all know (intellectually) that money can’t buy happiness. (Except, I don’t know, I feel like that’s something people say when they can afford their bills and healthcare. The same doesn’t really apply to those living in poverty with substandard housing and malnutrition… but people don’t like to talk about that because it! Isn’t! Sexy!)

One thing is for sure: If we can’t buy the lives we want, we can at least hoard online shopping carts that make it all seem a little more possible.

Aries – 

Book on metallurgy, one of those chairs that’s like half a yoga ball, and an ice pack in the shape of a pineapple.

Always one to take on new challenges, Aries is most likely to be a book on an interesting new hobby or idea. Aries is a pioneer, and they’re also down to try alternative methods of sitting, such as on a weird ball that sounds like a balloon being rubbed on concrete. Lastly, an ice pack because Aries are competitive and pineapples are super great and I love them.

Taurus –

A set of 1000 thread count sheets, hydrating facial serum (in a glass bottle), foam roller.

Taurus demands the best from themselves and won’t settle for a low thread count (hear, HEAR)—even if they need a second to get their finances in order to ~make it happen~. Taurus loves skin care and is as meticulous about the ingredients as they are about packaging and aesthetics. They’re also a foam roller because they’ve just been meaning to get to it, but committing to lolling on the floor and rolling on something that hurts is a multi-step process.

Gemini –

Whatever book is on the New York Times Best Sellers list, a planner that’s no longer in stock, and like, 14 bikinis.

Gemini’s enthusiasm is rivaled by none, though golden retrievers come in a very close second. Their shopping carts aren’t entirely based in reality, but usually a 4 a.m. fever dream of who they would LIKE to be—usually organized and super glam. Geminis also have a deep love of words and spend a lot of time talking, reading or listening to podcasts and audiobooks.

Cancer –

Cashmere sweater, vanilla scented candle, fuzzy socks, and a cookbook.

Cancer is the domestic goddess of the zodiac, and their shopping carts reflect that. While they love fashion, most of their money and research goes towards items that will improve their home life or make it that much cozier. Of all the signs, they are the most likely to feel guilty about a splurge—but they deserve it. Buy the candles. All of them. Forsake absolutely everything until your home is overflowing with them. It is worth it.

Leo –

Moisturizing primer, gel pens, and a mug that says something sassy on it.

Leo looooves to go out and socialize, and they expect their possessions to make a statement all on their own. Their creativity constantly has them undergoing new projects, and they curate their shopping carts very meticulously. Leo loves luxe, and they’re not afraid to save up and get exactly what they want. For them, it’s either a “hell yes” or a “definitely NOT.”

Virgo –

Organizing containers, a matching towel set, eyeglasses repair kit, and Candy Land.

Obvi, Virgo’s items are all practical and classy. But they’re fun, too! They’re great friends, which is why they would buy Candy Land (which is objectively fun and not Monopoly). They are the least likely to have an abandoned Amazon cart because they dislike loose ends. But, like any normal person in 2019, they will occasionally indulge.

Libra –

Gel nail polish, French lotion, new paintbrushes, and a coffee subscription.

Libras take pride in their appearance, hence the gel nail polish and French lotion. They’re also known to be very artistic, and many are musicians, artists or writers. Libras can be considered extravagant by some, but they’re largely self-sufficient. They know how to take care of themselves and are always up to meet for coffee—as long as you pick the time and place.

Scorpio –

Lipstick, something leopard print, bear mace.

Scorpios love to throw a curveball, so you can replace any of the items above with a flame thrower and I won’t argue with you. Scorpios often have a signature “look” or style that they stick to for long periods of time, as well as a thirst for novelty and beauty. Scorpios also love texture and patterns, hence the leopard print.

Sagittarius –

Packing cubes, hair ties, alarm clock, heart-shaped sunglasses—or nothing.

Of course Sagittarius has packing cubes and hair ties—always on the go, this sign is ready for any sign of adventure. They have huge, compassionate hearts and have strong integrity and ethics. They are the sign that tries their best even when no one is watching. Fun-loving Sagittarius is less concerned about material items than a lot of the other signs, so an empty cart isn’t impossible.

Capricorn –

Sunscreen, B12 supplements, tomato plants, an Air Fryer.

Practical Capricorn uses their Amazon shopping cart as more of a running to-do/grocery list than anything else. If they really want something—they will buy it immediately. They aren’t ones to procrastinate if they care about something. But if they feel lukewarm about an idea or item? Forget about it. Capricorns like to go all or nothing, and their shopping habits will reflect that.

Aquarius –

String lights, cat treats, and Command strips.

Aquarius loves animals and the unusual, and their shopping cart will be filled with different projects and interests at all times. Aquarius can be indecisive, but when they DO make up their mind—there is no stopping them. Aquarius is a nocturnal sign, meaning that most of their online shopping takes place at night, so weird stuff can happen. They love handcrafted items or objects that hold a deeper sentimental significance.

Pisces –

Disco ball (small), essential oil diffuser, cloth napkins, and a book their mom asked them to order.

Ahh, Pisces. As the dreamer of the Zodiac, they are more likely to have a shopping cart of disconnected items that only makes sense to them. They love sustainability, and they place a lot more emphasis on their creativity, art and relationships rather than material things. The disco ball is for fun. Plus, everyone deserves to dance with the people they love under bright pretty lights.

 

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